My Experience of Grief… So Far

“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.”

I wouldn’t have classed myself as an emotional person until 18 months ago. 18 months ago, I lost my best friend, my soul sister and the person who understood me most in this world. I have spent months and months trying to understand what happened, trying to rationalise things in my head and trying live life again as a “normal person”… whatever normal is.

Me and Jay weren’t just best friends, we were sisters. We could look at each other & know what the other was thinking, we found the same things annoying and we found the same things funny. We were literally two peas in a pod and I have never met somebody so much like me. We went through the best and worst times together and I know I could always rely on her no matter what I did good or bad. She was the only person in this world who I told everything to.

I can still remember the last phone call we had and what was said. I can still remember all the plans we had; her being godmother to my children, going to Amsterdam and all the other everyday life plans we had. I can still remember all the memories vividly and love to look at pictures of her and us together. 18 months down the line I am still unable to watch videos of her and hear her voice, the thought of it makes me feel physically sick and I don’t know if I ever will watch a video of her. The song that played during her passing and at her funeral (Aaliyah – At Your Best) I have only listened to once since she passed – at a birthday party we threw in her memory. A beautiful for song a beautiful person. My choice has been to never listen to it again. I would rather do anything possible to make the constant lingering pain at bay then to be reminded of the two worst days of my life. I still have the urge to message her and to call her. But then it hits me again… there’s no number to call and nobody to answer.

In school we learn about things like love and birth and the topic of death is merely brushed upon. We just know it is “sad” and “a part of life”. Honestly, sad is the shittest way of describing grief. It’s excruciatingly painful, both physically and emotionally. For 18 months I have felt a terrible sense of loss, anxiety, depression and anger and they are the emotional side of things. At times, the pain becomes so overwhelming my chest physically hurts. At first I thought, “am I have heart palpitations?” “Do I need to see a doctor?” Going to sleep and having a dream with her in it and waking up in tears. “Am I going crazy?” “Am I being dramatic?” These were just all extra things to have to deal with whilst trying to get on with life.

People say to me “you’re doing so well”, “you’re so strong” and I say thanks with a smile. I can hide my true feelings very, very well from people who don’t know me. Only my sister & boyfriend know the devastating effects it has had on me. They see a completely different person now to who I was prior to this. But for me, I know I have changed but I have no idea how to be the person I was before she died or even to be happy without her in my day to day life…

I am not the kind of person who looks on the bright side of life, so anybody who asks me how and what I feel like, I give them the blunt truth. “It feels shit. I feel shit. I miss her so much and it hurts as much as the last day, every fucking day.” I know people are only trying to help me by saying nice things like “time will heal all”, “she wouldn’t want you to be sad” but honestly, just makes me want to punch them in the face. Don’t you think I know her well enough to know she wants me to be happy & living life? Don’t you think I know she wants me to move forward with my life in a positive way and learn from the experience? And if it was so easy then why does anybody grieve for long periods of time? I mean, people grieve for their whole lives and never recover. But as I said, I understand they’re trying to be nice.

Part of me is struggling with moving on as I feel like it may look like I have forgotten her. And typing this sounds stupid because I know she will never feel like that, but this grief is keeping me stuck in the same position. I may have moved on slightly, but on a scale of 0-10 I have probably moved to 0.5. But some progress is better then none, right?

I started this blog in the hopes of finding an outlet for my thoughts & if this helps somebody else, even better. I guess I will try and highlight the good side (if any) and bad side of my journey through grieving…

Twitter: vanessalsl_
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11 thoughts on “My Experience of Grief… So Far”

  1. Nothing prepares you for death. I used to feel that if I accepted my brothers tragic death that I would in someway be betraying him. That because he was no longer here that I didnt deserve to be happy. It doesnt really make sense, however neither does losing someone that you love so much. Nearly 31 years later the one thing that my older self would tell the younger me is, you are gonna be okay. So I say to you Vanessa although it may be the furtherest thing from your mind that you will be okay, you will get through this.
    Lots of love, comfort and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Ness…its ur cuz Trish…trust me when i say ur words mirror my thoughts..u lost ur best friend…i lost my daughter right about the same time. I can tell you i wouldnt have dared to move on without help…loads of it..from love of friends and family..to retail therapy..i started a pandora bracelet out of grief…everytime i would feel really shit..id buy myself a pretty charm…that bracelet is now full to capacity!!! i thought that would make me better..nope…didnt help..though my bracelet looks gorgeous now though!! no..nothing helped..nothing anyone said…nothing i did…nowhere i went changed how i feel…nothing…it was only when i realised i was going down a dark road and felt like i was in a dark hole i couldnt crawl out of was when i realised i couldnt do this alone…i went to a therapist…best thing i ever did…he made me realise it is ok to grieve..its a normal process but as time went along i slowly let the grief go..well most of it…i slowly let the guilt go…i slowly started physically pushing sad memories back and good ones forward….i dont think a person ever gets over such a loss ever in their life..never everr..the only thing we can do is learn to manage the grief…dont allow it to drag u down…suck u in….fight…fight hard….its hard…i know trust me…but just know its ok when ur tired that professional help is there to guide u through it…it worked for me….i know it will work for u too…love u babe…keep strong…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Vanessa I think you are very brave for sharing this blog with family and friends and for the world to see .
    I believe that this blog will raise awareness for individuals who are also grieving and can relate to you .

    When hearts listen, angels sing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I thought I’d come back and read again. It’s sad but i feel much closer to you.
    Everytime i hear ‘chodds” i find myself looking for you both. I find myself stopping half way through becuase it hurts and it hurts more knowing your hurting.
    It’d be nice to read another entry when you’re ready because I’m sure many of us want to hear how you are i know if i just ask you’ll smile say your fine and make a joke. Because you’re like more then sunshine.
    Here for you always
    Love you
    Xxx

    Like

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