“There is no grief like the grief that does not speak.”
I wouldn’t have classed myself as an emotional person until 18 months ago. 18 months ago, I lost my best friend, my soul sister and the person who understood me most in this world. I have spent months and months trying to understand what happened, trying to rationalise things in my head and trying live life again as a “normal person”… whatever normal is.
Me and Jay weren’t just best friends, we were sisters. We could look at each other & know what the other was thinking, we found the same things annoying and we found the same things funny. We were literally two peas in a pod and I have never met somebody so much like me. We went through the best and worst times together and I know I could always rely on her no matter what I did good or bad. She was the only person in this world who I told everything to.
I can still remember the last phone call we had and what was said. I can still remember all the plans we had; her being godmother to my children, going to Amsterdam and all the other everyday life plans we had. I can still remember all the memories vividly and love to look at pictures of her and us together. 18 months down the line I am still unable to watch videos of her and hear her voice, the thought of it makes me feel physically sick and I don’t know if I ever will watch a video of her. The song that played during her passing and at her funeral (Aaliyah – At Your Best) I have only listened to once since she passed – at a birthday party we threw in her memory. A beautiful for song a beautiful person. My choice has been to never listen to it again. I would rather do anything possible to make the constant lingering pain at bay then to be reminded of the two worst days of my life. I still have the urge to message her and to call her. But then it hits me again… there’s no number to call and nobody to answer.
In school we learn about things like love and birth and the topic of death is merely brushed upon. We just know it is “sad” and “a part of life”. Honestly, sad is the shittest way of describing grief. It’s excruciatingly painful, both physically and emotionally. For 18 months I have felt a terrible sense of loss, anxiety, depression and anger and they are the emotional side of things. At times, the pain becomes so overwhelming my chest physically hurts. At first I thought, “am I have heart palpitations?” “Do I need to see a doctor?” Going to sleep and having a dream with her in it and waking up in tears. “Am I going crazy?” “Am I being dramatic?” These were just all extra things to have to deal with whilst trying to get on with life.
People say to me “you’re doing so well”, “you’re so strong” and I say thanks with a smile. I can hide my true feelings very, very well from people who don’t know me. Only my sister & boyfriend know the devastating effects it has had on me. They see a completely different person now to who I was prior to this. But for me, I know I have changed but I have no idea how to be the person I was before she died or even to be happy without her in my day to day life…
I am not the kind of person who looks on the bright side of life, so anybody who asks me how and what I feel like, I give them the blunt truth. “It feels shit. I feel shit. I miss her so much and it hurts as much as the last day, every fucking day.” I know people are only trying to help me by saying nice things like “time will heal all”, “she wouldn’t want you to be sad” but honestly, just makes me want to punch them in the face. Don’t you think I know her well enough to know she wants me to be happy & living life? Don’t you think I know she wants me to move forward with my life in a positive way and learn from the experience? And if it was so easy then why does anybody grieve for long periods of time? I mean, people grieve for their whole lives and never recover. But as I said, I understand they’re trying to be nice.
Part of me is struggling with moving on as I feel like it may look like I have forgotten her. And typing this sounds stupid because I know she will never feel like that, but this grief is keeping me stuck in the same position. I may have moved on slightly, but on a scale of 0-10 I have probably moved to 0.5. But some progress is better then none, right?
I started this blog in the hopes of finding an outlet for my thoughts & if this helps somebody else, even better. I guess I will try and highlight the good side (if any) and bad side of my journey through grieving…